Lately, I've been very concerned with stress. One could say I've been stressing about stress. Ha. But what, exactly, is it? Apparently, stress is a force strong enough to cause ulcers, acne, weight gain, missed periods, feelings of imbalance, and bunch of other things. I've tried to understand it, but the definition seems elusive. Apparently, doctors aren't too sure how to define it either. So whatever the hell it is, I've had too much of it.
I'm tired of stressing about stress. All the "solutions" for eliminating stress that advice givers give are deceptively simple, like "pursue realistic goals," and "be a friend to yourself." What does that mean? Maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is, but I don't really see how a person who is stressed out can find that information useful. It sounds good, to be sure, but it doesn't give people any TOOLS to deal with it. It just gives a broad idea. Oh, but advice givers do give specific advice, you say. Yes, they give advice like "breathe deeply" and "set aside 10 minutes a day to meditate." Please. Like that's really going to work.
So, unable to find a person or resource around me who can figure it out, I've come up with my own solution. "Take a break." Take a break that's long enough to make you remember what it felt like when you weren't living life on the edge of insanity. It really does help.
Hey, guess what? I think I just found another stress reliever: blogging. This is the most time I've devoted to my thoughts in a really long time. Never mind that it's 12:41 am... I'm going to sleep in tomorrow because I want to. And life can wait. How's that for not being stressed? :)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Still I Rise
By Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With you battered, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
From a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear the tide.
Leaving nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
You may write me down in history
With you battered, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
From a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear the tide.
Leaving nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Monday, October 09, 2006
After a long time...
Hey folks,
So it's been a long time, I know. Sometimes life gets busy-- you know how it is. I guess life should never get so busy for so long that for months none of your friends who don't live within ten minutes of you know what's going on in your life. But, alas, that is what happened. So -- first I will ask you to forgive me, then I will tell you what's been going on.
I got that job... that I wanted so much. It has certainly been tough, and for awhile there I didn't know if I was cut out for it... but I've been getting used to it and it's a lot better now. I am basically responsible for 650 girls living in a residence hall at the College of Charleston. I get to deal with a lot of problems, try to fix them when I can, and when I can't, refer them to people who can. I have a staff of 16 wonderful women, and they have all worked hard to make it a success so far. At first, all the responsibility really got to me. I felt personally responsible for every girl who got sexually assaulted, was battling anorexia, was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, had serious medical conditions, etc. etc. I always thought that I could have/should have done more. And then I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to lose my humanity and empathy, but at the same time, it was impossible to function by living with all that guilt. So I had my valley of low, and got over it. I've become much better at dealing with situations, which I think makes me better at my job.
In the midst of it all, I am working on my history degree. That is going quite well... I am trying to put the studies first, but there is always some emergency to be dealt with, of course... but the plan is still to continue on to a doctorate in history... inshallah.
Anyway, summary is -- I'm happy. I'm doing something which is worthwhile in my mind. I'm in a position where I really do have the ability to impact a lot of people for what I hope is the better. It has certainly taught me that I need to lead by example... and that people are always watching, judging, and in some cases, just waiting for you to fall so they can take advantage of it. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend that support me through all of it. So... that's my update.
BIG HUG to everyone who is STILL reading this.
So it's been a long time, I know. Sometimes life gets busy-- you know how it is. I guess life should never get so busy for so long that for months none of your friends who don't live within ten minutes of you know what's going on in your life. But, alas, that is what happened. So -- first I will ask you to forgive me, then I will tell you what's been going on.
I got that job... that I wanted so much. It has certainly been tough, and for awhile there I didn't know if I was cut out for it... but I've been getting used to it and it's a lot better now. I am basically responsible for 650 girls living in a residence hall at the College of Charleston. I get to deal with a lot of problems, try to fix them when I can, and when I can't, refer them to people who can. I have a staff of 16 wonderful women, and they have all worked hard to make it a success so far. At first, all the responsibility really got to me. I felt personally responsible for every girl who got sexually assaulted, was battling anorexia, was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, had serious medical conditions, etc. etc. I always thought that I could have/should have done more. And then I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to lose my humanity and empathy, but at the same time, it was impossible to function by living with all that guilt. So I had my valley of low, and got over it. I've become much better at dealing with situations, which I think makes me better at my job.
In the midst of it all, I am working on my history degree. That is going quite well... I am trying to put the studies first, but there is always some emergency to be dealt with, of course... but the plan is still to continue on to a doctorate in history... inshallah.
Anyway, summary is -- I'm happy. I'm doing something which is worthwhile in my mind. I'm in a position where I really do have the ability to impact a lot of people for what I hope is the better. It has certainly taught me that I need to lead by example... and that people are always watching, judging, and in some cases, just waiting for you to fall so they can take advantage of it. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend that support me through all of it. So... that's my update.
BIG HUG to everyone who is STILL reading this.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Bring it on.
Bring on the craziness. I'm ready, or at least as ready as I'll ever be. If I have been absent for what seems like forever, it is only because I have been training like crazy for this new job. Training ended yesterday, my staff arrives tomorrow, and today... today I focus on breathing. Maybe for the last time. :) We'll see. I'm excited. I'm ready. Bring it on.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
For My People
This is one of the most powerful poems I've ever read. It was written by Margaret Walker in 1942. It's a bit long, but stay with it till the end. Take your time and take it in.
For my people everywhere singing their slave songs repeatedly: their dirges and their ditties and their blues and jubilees, praying their prayers nightly to an unknown god, bending their knees humbly to an unseen power;
For my people lending their strength to the years, to the gone years and the nowyears and the maybe years, washing ironing cooking scrubbing sewing mending hoeing plowing digging planting pruning patching dragging along never gaining never reaping never knowing and never understanding;
For my playmates in the clay and dust and sand of Alabama backyards playing baptizing and preaching and doctor and jail and soldier and school and mama and cooking and playhouse and concert and store and hair and Miss Choomby and company;
For the cramped bewildered years we went to school to learn to know the reasons why and the answers to and the people who and the places where and the days when, in memory of the bitter hours when we discovered we were black and poor and small and different and nobody cared and nobody wondered and nobody understood;
For the boys and girls who grew in spite of these thing to be man and woman, to laugh and dance and sing and play and drink their wine and religion and success, to marry their playmates and bear children and then die of consumption and anemia and lynching;
For my people thronging 47th Street in Chicago and Lenox Avenue in New York and Rampart Street in New Orleans, lost disinherited dispossessed and happy people filling the cabarets and taverns and other people's pockets needing bread and shoes and milk and land and money and something-something all our own;
For my people walking blindly spreading joy, losing time being lazy, sleeping when hungry, shouting when burdened, drinking when hopeless, tied and shackled and tangled among ourselves by the unseen creatures who tower over us omnisciently and laugh;
For my people blundering and groping and floundering in the dark of churches and schools and clubs and societies, associations and councils and committees and conventions, distressed and disturbed and deceived and devoured by money-hungry glory-craving leeches, preyed on by facile forces of state and fad and novelty, by false prophet and holy believer;
For my people standing trying to fashion a better way from confusion, from hypocrisy and misunderstanding, trying to fashion a world that will hold all the people, all the faces, all the adams and eves and their countless generations;
Let a new earth rise. Let another world be born. Let a bloody peace by written in the sky. Let a second generation full of courage issue forth; let a people loving freedom come to growth. Let a beauty full of healing and strength of final clenching by the pulsing in our spirits and our blood. Let the martial songs by written, let the dirges disappear. Let a race of men now rise and take control.
For my people lending their strength to the years, to the gone years and the nowyears and the maybe years, washing ironing cooking scrubbing sewing mending hoeing plowing digging planting pruning patching dragging along never gaining never reaping never knowing and never understanding;
For my playmates in the clay and dust and sand of Alabama backyards playing baptizing and preaching and doctor and jail and soldier and school and mama and cooking and playhouse and concert and store and hair and Miss Choomby and company;
For the cramped bewildered years we went to school to learn to know the reasons why and the answers to and the people who and the places where and the days when, in memory of the bitter hours when we discovered we were black and poor and small and different and nobody cared and nobody wondered and nobody understood;
For the boys and girls who grew in spite of these thing to be man and woman, to laugh and dance and sing and play and drink their wine and religion and success, to marry their playmates and bear children and then die of consumption and anemia and lynching;
For my people thronging 47th Street in Chicago and Lenox Avenue in New York and Rampart Street in New Orleans, lost disinherited dispossessed and happy people filling the cabarets and taverns and other people's pockets needing bread and shoes and milk and land and money and something-something all our own;
For my people walking blindly spreading joy, losing time being lazy, sleeping when hungry, shouting when burdened, drinking when hopeless, tied and shackled and tangled among ourselves by the unseen creatures who tower over us omnisciently and laugh;
For my people blundering and groping and floundering in the dark of churches and schools and clubs and societies, associations and councils and committees and conventions, distressed and disturbed and deceived and devoured by money-hungry glory-craving leeches, preyed on by facile forces of state and fad and novelty, by false prophet and holy believer;
For my people standing trying to fashion a better way from confusion, from hypocrisy and misunderstanding, trying to fashion a world that will hold all the people, all the faces, all the adams and eves and their countless generations;
Let a new earth rise. Let another world be born. Let a bloody peace by written in the sky. Let a second generation full of courage issue forth; let a people loving freedom come to growth. Let a beauty full of healing and strength of final clenching by the pulsing in our spirits and our blood. Let the martial songs by written, let the dirges disappear. Let a race of men now rise and take control.
--Margaret Walker
Friday, June 16, 2006
A Furry Wake-Up
So. I'm house sitting for this family that went to Greece for two weeks, and they have 5 cats and a dog. I like them all, especially the cats, because they just come whenever they want to, and never bug you or paw at your skinned knees and if you forget them outside then, oh well... they're cats. Anyway. The cats usually come to wake me up religiously between 6:45 and 7:15. If that fails -- and if you have ever tried to wake me up, you know how that can fail -- the big ass labrador JD comes in, pawing and barking at me. It's usually pretty hard to ignore him. So I have to get up, feed them all, and then try to get back to sleep. Which is always impossible, but I always try anyway.
In any case, last night was even more annoying, because they ALL decided that they wanted to sleep on my bed. I didn't have the energy to get up and close the door, and I was kind of having fun annoying them by moving my leg under the covers, and so I left them and finally fell asleep (purring cats do help you fall asleep). But then, when I was in the midst of beautiful dreams, I was woken up multiple times during the night. It was a cat trying to cuddle. With my FACE. Not cool. And then this morning, when JD walked in, I looked up and saw that all FIVE cats were curled up on the bed. I had to laugh. Five cats on the bed, one who had been schmoozing with my face all night long, big yellow lab JD, and my grumpy sleepy self all in one room at 6:45 in the morning. Crazy.
You can bet your ass I am closing that damn door tonight, though.
In any case, last night was even more annoying, because they ALL decided that they wanted to sleep on my bed. I didn't have the energy to get up and close the door, and I was kind of having fun annoying them by moving my leg under the covers, and so I left them and finally fell asleep (purring cats do help you fall asleep). But then, when I was in the midst of beautiful dreams, I was woken up multiple times during the night. It was a cat trying to cuddle. With my FACE. Not cool. And then this morning, when JD walked in, I looked up and saw that all FIVE cats were curled up on the bed. I had to laugh. Five cats on the bed, one who had been schmoozing with my face all night long, big yellow lab JD, and my grumpy sleepy self all in one room at 6:45 in the morning. Crazy.
You can bet your ass I am closing that damn door tonight, though.
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