My First Race

I just completed my first ever 5 K race in under 29 minutes. I'm pretty proud of myself and I feel like a million bucks. Okay, so that's not a great time, but it's still pretty good considering that four days ago I didn't even know if I could run that long. I tried it on the treadmill and nearly died. But today, I participated in Race for the Cure supporting breast cancer research. It was amazing to not only know that I could do it (complete the race in a good time) but also that I was surrounded by people who came together for a good cause and by women who had survived the disease. At the race, you could pin a sign that said "I'm running in celebration of" or "in memory of" and so I ran it in celebration of my aunt Marina Lancia, who survived her bout with breast cancer a long time ago and is arguable one of the strongest, most inspirational women I know.

This race will not be the last. I'm going to start training to run a 10 K in March. I can do it!

Respect

Tonight I led a mandatory meeting of all the girls in one floor of my residence hall. I had called the meeting because I have been getting reports of girls disrespecting and attacking each other with racial slurs, religious attacks, and attacks on sexual preference. I had to talk to more than 50 girls about the topic of acceptance and community standards, and in my mind everything went well. I was very stern with them, as I think I should have been. I hope that my points came across and that the were not just alienated but that they actually took it upon themselves to make sure that that floor does have a better community. It's been depressing to have to deal with such social backwardness. I guess it's reality. You would think respect was something that they at least came to college with.
I really hope I wasn't blaring hot air -- I hope some of it will affect some of the girls. I know that some girls who felt discriminated against feel better now. They told me so. But I want to make sure that I have instilled in them an idea that respect is necessary and that they can all examine their actions and see ways to be more tolerant and accepting of differences. Gosh, that is the hope, isn't it?

Harlem

By Langston Hughes


What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

A little bit about...

Lately, I've been very concerned with stress. One could say I've been stressing about stress. Ha. But what, exactly, is it? Apparently, stress is a force strong enough to cause ulcers, acne, weight gain, missed periods, feelings of imbalance, and bunch of other things. I've tried to understand it, but the definition seems elusive. Apparently, doctors aren't too sure how to define it either. So whatever the hell it is, I've had too much of it.

I'm tired of stressing about stress. All the "solutions" for eliminating stress that advice givers give are deceptively simple, like "pursue realistic goals," and "be a friend to yourself." What does that mean? Maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is, but I don't really see how a person who is stressed out can find that information useful. It sounds good, to be sure, but it doesn't give people any TOOLS to deal with it. It just gives a broad idea. Oh, but advice givers do give specific advice, you say. Yes, they give advice like "breathe deeply" and "set aside 10 minutes a day to meditate." Please. Like that's really going to work.
So, unable to find a person or resource around me who can figure it out, I've come up with my own solution. "Take a break." Take a break that's long enough to make you remember what it felt like when you weren't living life on the edge of insanity. It really does help.

Hey, guess what? I think I just found another stress reliever: blogging. This is the most time I've devoted to my thoughts in a really long time. Never mind that it's 12:41 am... I'm going to sleep in tomorrow because I want to. And life can wait. How's that for not being stressed? :)

Still I Rise

By Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With you battered, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
From a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear the tide.

Leaving nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

After a long time...

Hey folks,
So it's been a long time, I know. Sometimes life gets busy-- you know how it is. I guess life should never get so busy for so long that for months none of your friends who don't live within ten minutes of you know what's going on in your life. But, alas, that is what happened. So -- first I will ask you to forgive me, then I will tell you what's been going on.
I got that job... that I wanted so much. It has certainly been tough, and for awhile there I didn't know if I was cut out for it... but I've been getting used to it and it's a lot better now. I am basically responsible for 650 girls living in a residence hall at the College of Charleston. I get to deal with a lot of problems, try to fix them when I can, and when I can't, refer them to people who can. I have a staff of 16 wonderful women, and they have all worked hard to make it a success so far. At first, all the responsibility really got to me. I felt personally responsible for every girl who got sexually assaulted, was battling anorexia, was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, had serious medical conditions, etc. etc. I always thought that I could have/should have done more. And then I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to lose my humanity and empathy, but at the same time, it was impossible to function by living with all that guilt. So I had my valley of low, and got over it. I've become much better at dealing with situations, which I think makes me better at my job.
In the midst of it all, I am working on my history degree. That is going quite well... I am trying to put the studies first, but there is always some emergency to be dealt with, of course... but the plan is still to continue on to a doctorate in history... inshallah.
Anyway, summary is -- I'm happy. I'm doing something which is worthwhile in my mind. I'm in a position where I really do have the ability to impact a lot of people for what I hope is the better. It has certainly taught me that I need to lead by example... and that people are always watching, judging, and in some cases, just waiting for you to fall so they can take advantage of it. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend that support me through all of it. So... that's my update.

BIG HUG to everyone who is STILL reading this.