Yesterday I was in despair - trying to chose whether to take on a new job even though it would mean longer hours, be harder and pay less but be more rewarding... or whether to stick with what I have, which is admittedly fantastic most of the time... and well-- it was tough. Carter's there with me, I'm spewing out a million thoughts a minute, completely incapable of rationality and driving myself crazy by analyzing pros and cons.
Suddenly, he stands up quietly and takes me by the shoulders and leads me to my room. On my bed, he had laid out magnolia petals in the shape of a giant heart. Inside the first heart, he layered petals of a different color, and inside that, a third layer. Laying in the middle was an envelope. I opened it up, and found two tickets to Thursday's baseball game, with a hand-written invitation to join him. It was the sweetest thing.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Yuan Dao
"It is as if there was something one was yearning after.
Vaguely they feel as if something is missing,
Or as if pining after something lost.
Why is this?
Because not looking for the inward to please the external,
They were pleasing the inward with the external.
When the music starts, they feel happy,
But when the performance is over, they are sad.
With happiness and sadness giving rise alternatively to one another,
The spirit is thrown into turmoil
And cannot find a moment's peace.
If we seek for the cause behind this, we cannot get a hold of it,
Yet this is doing injury daily to one's vitality,
And failing to secure what is to be got.
Hence, failing to find it within oneself, one takes some external thing and uses it for ornament...
What issues forth from inside
Will not prevail unless there is response from the outside."
Vaguely they feel as if something is missing,
Or as if pining after something lost.
Why is this?
Because not looking for the inward to please the external,
They were pleasing the inward with the external.
When the music starts, they feel happy,
But when the performance is over, they are sad.
With happiness and sadness giving rise alternatively to one another,
The spirit is thrown into turmoil
And cannot find a moment's peace.
If we seek for the cause behind this, we cannot get a hold of it,
Yet this is doing injury daily to one's vitality,
And failing to secure what is to be got.
Hence, failing to find it within oneself, one takes some external thing and uses it for ornament...
What issues forth from inside
Will not prevail unless there is response from the outside."
--Written 139 B.C.
Conundrum
It's strange to think of Buddhists, Daoists, or any people ascribing to Eastern religions as living in America. How do you do it? How do you find harmony, balance, simplicity, self-denial, etc. in America? Yoga class? Tai chi? It just seems like it would be very difficult to have to go so against the natural American (Western) grain of me-me-me and more-more-more and now-now-now.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Roadtrip to Augusta
The trip was great. I got to see my good friend Chris. On the way up there, I drove along the back country roads. It was breathtaking. America is beautiful, after all. Trees and pasture and cows and little run-down gas stations... the smell of summer, the open skies... it all combined to make me feel like I was a million miles away, even though it was only 2 hours. It was gorgeous. Then spending the day with Chris was fun... we went down to the Savannah river canal... walked along the side of it... took in the air, listened to the water, and talked about present, past, and future. Beat Chris at the Easter egg hunt which he bragged for WEEKS about how he was going to win... and then got beat by him in Scrabble... he really kicked my ass. He made a 75 point word: LOBSTER. Damnit. Ate so much food that I don't think I'll ever be hungry again... went to a bar with his friends and listened to them talk about their adolescence... what crazy kids. Then crashed and got up this morning. Left at 6 am sharp. Got up 40 minutes before that, went to sleep 6 hours before that. Drove 2:45 hrs on interstates to make it to work in time. Got home with 15 minutes to spare and decided to walk rather than drive. And so here I am. Monday morning. Tired but refreshed at the same time.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
On a fantastic birthday
Yesterday was a great day. A wonderful way to usher in the big 2-3. The day itself was quite normal... with some more relaxation than usual... but the night, now that was splendid! My friend Siobhan came to pick me up and we went to a tapas sushi bar on James Island. It was really nice, and a little fancier than I ha expected. There were around 9 of my favorite people there at any given time of the night. After the food, we went to a more homey bar, where we could buy beer by the pitcher and play shuffle board and eat large quantities of fries. It was fantastic. All these people came to celebrate my birth, hang out with me, and make me feel special. I really did. I got more than slightly toasted... people buying shots everywhere, and I even got a free one on the bartender! :-) (I had to tell him it was my birthday!)
I played a kickass game of shuffleboard, got to hang out my really great friends, and even managed to slowdance with Carter to the pianoman singing "Georgia." Yeah. So it was great. :-)
I played a kickass game of shuffleboard, got to hang out my really great friends, and even managed to slowdance with Carter to the pianoman singing "Georgia." Yeah. So it was great. :-)
Monday, April 10, 2006
Girl Goes for Guy Games
Okay, so my answer to the previous post is "yes" -- pretty much. But I found something more interesting to discuss for right now, so maybe i'll pick up on the morality topic later.
So Saturday night, I spent all night playing pool at my favorite bar. It was Carter and I, and we did really, really well for most of the night (three tequila shots and five beers later, my cue stick wasn't lining up quite right.) It was only the next day that I noticed something strange: I was pretty much the only woman playing pool. There were lots of women milling around the table, talking with the players, but none were really playing. At first, I just thought it was bizarre, but then I thought back to when I started playing pool at bars.
Initially, I was really intimidated to play pool in front of guys. I always wanted to, but didn't want to look like an idiot. Then, I started hanging out with lesbians, and I would go to the gay bar with them on Friday nights. There, it was only girls playing... and since I wasn't interested with flirting, I just played pool. I was not intimidated, because it was women playing, and even though they could kick my ass, I still felt comfortable. So then I translated that to my regular bars. And now I'm one of few female bar pool players in Charleston, at least. It's not that I'm good, but I can hold my own, and I don't care if I miss a shot. So why don't more women do it? Would I have ever broken that divide if it hadn't been for my lesbian bar adventure? I don't think so. There's something about the embarrassment factor -- it's like, if you encroach on a guy's sport you should either be able to kick their butts or you should set yourself up as helplessly in need of their support. But the fun thing about pool is that guys don't have a natural advantage, and anyone can pick up the skill relatively easily. So it's something about self-confidence, or lack thereof... it's something about getting past the point of caring, and just doing it to play. But it's bizarre, because it so rarely happens, at least in the bars around here. And I remember when I went to visit my friend Chris in Georgia that something similar occurred. We went to a party and people were playing some weird version of pool where you hit the balls on the sides of the table and have to run to the other side... and NO girl was playing. And I played, because it was a lot of fun, and one of the girls looked at me like I was made out of green cheese. I asked her if she wanted to play, and she laughed nervously and said something like, "I've never seen a girl play." But she didn't join me, and I scoffed at her in my mind for helping to perpetuate female stereotypes. I guess I just didn't realize I how lucky I was not to feel bounded by those gender roles. Crazy, huh?
So Saturday night, I spent all night playing pool at my favorite bar. It was Carter and I, and we did really, really well for most of the night (three tequila shots and five beers later, my cue stick wasn't lining up quite right.) It was only the next day that I noticed something strange: I was pretty much the only woman playing pool. There were lots of women milling around the table, talking with the players, but none were really playing. At first, I just thought it was bizarre, but then I thought back to when I started playing pool at bars.
Initially, I was really intimidated to play pool in front of guys. I always wanted to, but didn't want to look like an idiot. Then, I started hanging out with lesbians, and I would go to the gay bar with them on Friday nights. There, it was only girls playing... and since I wasn't interested with flirting, I just played pool. I was not intimidated, because it was women playing, and even though they could kick my ass, I still felt comfortable. So then I translated that to my regular bars. And now I'm one of few female bar pool players in Charleston, at least. It's not that I'm good, but I can hold my own, and I don't care if I miss a shot. So why don't more women do it? Would I have ever broken that divide if it hadn't been for my lesbian bar adventure? I don't think so. There's something about the embarrassment factor -- it's like, if you encroach on a guy's sport you should either be able to kick their butts or you should set yourself up as helplessly in need of their support. But the fun thing about pool is that guys don't have a natural advantage, and anyone can pick up the skill relatively easily. So it's something about self-confidence, or lack thereof... it's something about getting past the point of caring, and just doing it to play. But it's bizarre, because it so rarely happens, at least in the bars around here. And I remember when I went to visit my friend Chris in Georgia that something similar occurred. We went to a party and people were playing some weird version of pool where you hit the balls on the sides of the table and have to run to the other side... and NO girl was playing. And I played, because it was a lot of fun, and one of the girls looked at me like I was made out of green cheese. I asked her if she wanted to play, and she laughed nervously and said something like, "I've never seen a girl play." But she didn't join me, and I scoffed at her in my mind for helping to perpetuate female stereotypes. I guess I just didn't realize I how lucky I was not to feel bounded by those gender roles. Crazy, huh?
Friday, April 07, 2006
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Missing Children
I just got this email about a missing child -- the request was to forward it on to as many people as possible, with the hope that somewhere she would be recognized. Well, before forwarding it on, I wanted to make sure that this girl really was missing. She was from SC, and I figured I would have heard something in the news or read something in the papers. So I looked up the national registry for missing children, and lo and behold, nothing matching her description was posted. I decided not to waste anybody else's time. Perhaps it's heartless of me, but I think it's awful to perpetuate a lie.
In any case, while looking up the national registry, I was really struck by some of the postings. Most of them were girls, teenagers, and I figured they probably ran away from home. Yet in some cases, the children had been missing for over 10 years. One post had the picture of a baby girl who has been missing for 14 years. It was so sad, because... well, first of all, she's pretty much guaranteed to be dead. And even if she isn't, there is no way that I would recognize a fourteen year old from her baby picture. So it's pointless to put it up there, if one's intent is to find her. And I don't think that that's the point. Somewhere, I can't help but think that her parents are still hoping for a miracle. And keeping her name on the registry is a way to hold on to that hope. It's depressing and it makes no sense. But, then again, I can't possibly imagine how tragic the loss of one's child would be.
In any case, while looking up the national registry, I was really struck by some of the postings. Most of them were girls, teenagers, and I figured they probably ran away from home. Yet in some cases, the children had been missing for over 10 years. One post had the picture of a baby girl who has been missing for 14 years. It was so sad, because... well, first of all, she's pretty much guaranteed to be dead. And even if she isn't, there is no way that I would recognize a fourteen year old from her baby picture. So it's pointless to put it up there, if one's intent is to find her. And I don't think that that's the point. Somewhere, I can't help but think that her parents are still hoping for a miracle. And keeping her name on the registry is a way to hold on to that hope. It's depressing and it makes no sense. But, then again, I can't possibly imagine how tragic the loss of one's child would be.
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